Emotional Abuse Checklist: A Private Self-Reflection Tool

What is emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse — sometimes called psychological abuse — is a pattern of non-physical behaviour used to frighten, control or undermine another person. It can include put-downs, isolation from friends and family, control over money or movements, threats, monitoring and manipulation. Because it rarely leaves visible marks, it is easy to doubt or minimise. Women's Aid treats emotional abuse as a core part of domestic abuse, and NICE recognises it as a serious risk to mental and physical health. It is never a normal part of a caring relationship.

What are the signs of emotional abuse?

The signs are usually a pattern rather than a single event: constant criticism or humiliation, being cut off from the people who care about you, having your spending or movements controlled, threats used to keep you in line, your phone or whereabouts monitored, and your memory of events rewritten until you doubt yourself. Cycles of warmth followed by cruelty are common, and so is the feeling of walking on eggshells. The statements in the checklist above are drawn from these dynamics. One on its own may mean little; it is the pattern, and the effect it has on you, that tends to be telling.

Is emotional abuse a form of domestic abuse?

Yes. Emotional and psychological abuse is a recognised form of domestic abuse — it does not have to be physical to count. In England and Wales the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 explicitly includes emotional, psychological and economic abuse in its statutory definition. Women's Aid and other UK services support people experiencing exactly these patterns every day, whether or not there has ever been physical violence. You do not need bruises, and you do not need permission from anyone else, to reach out for help.

Is emotional abuse a crime in the UK?

Some of it is. In England and Wales, controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship is a criminal offence under the Serious Crime Act 2015 — this covers ongoing patterns of intimidation, isolation, control and threats, not just single incidents. You don't have to be certain a crime has been committed, or want to involve the police, to seek support. A domestic abuse service such as Women's Aid can talk through your options confidentially, at your pace, with no obligation.

Can this checklist tell me if I am being emotionally abused?

No checklist can decide that for you, and it's worth being wary of any that claims to. This tool isn't scored and never produces a verdict — it's designed to reflect your own experience back to you, so a pattern you may have been living inside becomes easier to see and name. What you do with that is yours to decide. If you'd value another perspective, a trained advisor on a UK helpline, or a therapist, can help you think it through without telling you what to feel.

Does recognising these patterns mean my partner is abusive?

Recognising a lot of these patterns tells you something important about how this relationship affects you — which is what actually matters day to day. It isn't your job, or this page's job, to hand down a final label on another person. Someone can be causing you real harm regardless of what they would call it themselves, or whether they ever intended it. Focusing on your own safety, your own experience and your own boundaries is far more useful than trying to win an argument about whether the word "abuse" fits.

What should I do if I recognised a lot of these?

Start by taking your own reaction seriously rather than minimising it. If you can do so safely, it helps to write down specific examples while they're fresh, and to tell someone you trust. When you're ready, read about the specific dynamics you recognised — gaslighting or the lasting effects of this kind of abuse. If any of this touches on your safety, the support page lists free, confidential UK helplines, including the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. In immediate danger, call 999 — if you can't speak, press 55.

Am I just overreacting or imagining it?

The very fact that you're asking is worth noticing. Feeling unsure of your own judgement is one of the most common effects of long-term emotional abuse, because having your reality questioned is often part of the pattern itself. You don't have to prove your experience to anyone, and you don't need it to be "bad enough" before your feelings count. If you want to test that doubt gently, talking to a confidential helpline or a therapist can help you sort what happened from the version you've been told to believe.

Can someone who is emotionally abusive change?

Change is possible but uncommon, and it depends entirely on the person genuinely wanting to change and doing sustained, honest work — not on how patient, loving or accommodating you are. You cannot love, fix or manage someone out of controlling behaviour, and waiting for it can keep you stuck for years. Your safety and wellbeing don't have to be put on hold while you wait to find out. You're allowed to make decisions based on how the relationship is now, not on who you hope they might one day become.

This checklist and guidance were written by Keeley Taverner, a BACP-accredited psychotherapist with over twenty years' experience supporting people through emotional and narcissistic abuse and recovery. It is educational and is not a substitute for professional or specialist advice. For confidential support in the UK, see Women's Aid, read the guidance from NICE, or call the free National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247, 24 hours a day.